Quotes About Humor

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein


“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West


“So many books, so little time.”
― Frank Zappa


“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well".

From: "More Maxims of Mark”
― Mark Twain


“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx,

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor


“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams,

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.”
― Albert Einstein

“I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Diggers


“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx


“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes,

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams,

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields


“Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins,

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson,

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Mark Twain


“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
― Mark Twain


“Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
― Albert Einstein

“Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”
― John Green


“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
― Charles Bukowski


“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
― Jane Austen,

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
― Albert Einstein


“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
― Chuck Palahniuk,

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett,

“Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.”
― Thomas Stephen Szasz


“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant


“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
― Douglas Adams


“Life's hard. It's even harder when you're stupid.”
― John Wayne


“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
― Albert Einstein


“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
― Terry Pratchett,

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”
― E.B. White


“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
― Groucho Marx

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday,

“I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
― Jerome K. Jerome
tags: humor, work 6,084 people liked it like

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”
― Jane Austen, Jane Austen's Letters


“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”
― Mae West


“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.

TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson,

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
― Mark Twain

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Anthony G.

“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?”
― Henry Ward Beecher


“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
― Douglas Adams,

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz

“Jesus!" Luke exclaimed.
"Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.”
― Cassandra Clare


“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock


“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll,

“Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...”
― J.K. Rowling,

“Never memorize something that you can look up.”
― Albert Einstein

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”
― Bertrand Russell


“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields


“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”
― Woody Allen


“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King,

“Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?" asked Jace.
"It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath."
"As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome," said Simon.
"I knew we should have left you a rat.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
― Mark Twain


“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche


“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss


“It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones


“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”
― Winston Churchill


“Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?”
― Cassandra Clare,

“Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
...
I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.”
― Rick Riordan


“Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
― Oscar Wilde


“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
― George Burns


“So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.”
― Roald Dahl


“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright


“Mom says it's because she has PMS.
Do you even know what that means?
"I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome”
― Nicholas Sparks,

“Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”
― Douglas Adams,

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.”
― Oscar Wilde,

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
― Terry Pratchett,

“I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.”
― Richelle Mead,

“The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
― Douglas Adams,

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”
― Scott Adams

“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?"
"Yes."
"You called her a liar?"
"Yes."
"You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?"
"Yes."
"Have a biscuit, Potter.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

“You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year."
"Why?" Isabelle said.
"So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
― Albert Einstein

“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
― George Carlin


“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”
― Stephanie Klein,

“I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.”
― Lemony Snicket,

“Don't talk to me."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...”
― J.K. Rowling,

“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.”
― Maya Angelou


“Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?”
― J.K. Rowling,

“Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”
― Dr. Seuss


“Investigation?" Isabelle laughed. "Now we're detectives? Maybe we should all have code names."
"Good idea," said Jace. "I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”
― Terry Pratchett


“If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”
― Lemony Snicket,

“Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.”
― James Patterson,

“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”
― Suzanne Collins,

“Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)”
― Cassandra Clare,

“Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!”
― J.K. Rowling,

“If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.”
― Terry Pratchett,

“Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra,

“Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”
― Bill Watterson

“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”
― Tina Fey,

“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”
― Dr. Seuss,

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”
― Groucho Marx

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.”
― Orson Welles

“I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”
― Mae West

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
― Charles Lamb

“I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.”
― Edgar Allan Poe,

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

“Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
"Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me."
"I was ninety percent sure."
"I see," Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
"What the hell was that for?"
"The other ten percent.”
― Cassandra Clare

“How do you feel, Georgie?" whispered Mrs. Weasley.
George's fingers groped for the side of his head.
"Saintlike," he murmured.
"What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?"
"Saintlike," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm HOLEY, Fred, geddit?”
― J.K. Rowling,

“Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.”
― Richelle Mead,

“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”
― Suzanne Collins,

“Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –"
"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."
"Great idea though, thanks, Mum.”
― J.K. Rowling,

“Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage - but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored.
"In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations."
"You invited him into bed?" Simon demanded, looking shaken.
"Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit."
"I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing."
"Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.”
― Mark Twain

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
― George Carlin

“Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick,

“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”
― J.R. Ward,

“The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“Don't Panic.”
― Douglas Adams,

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”
― Winston Churchill

“Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.”
― Christopher Paolini

“I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!”
― Dr. Seuss,

“I'm saying that I'm a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you're okay with that, because it's who I am, and you're what I need.”
― Jeaniene Frost,

“So when the moon's only partly full, you only feel a little wolfy?"
"You could say that."
"Well, you can go ahead and hang your head out the car window if you feel like it."
"I'm a werewolf, not a golden retriever.”
― Cassandra Clare

“He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...”
― J.K. Rowling,

“Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. "I can't believe you did it!" she exclaimed. "How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?"
"Traded him for Alec," Clary said.
Isabelle looked mildly alarmed. "Not permanently?"
"No," said Jace. "Just for a few hours. Unless I don't come back," he added thoughtfully. "In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy."
Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?" Simon inquired. "No, probably not.”
― Cassandra Clare,

“My rapier wit hides my inner pain.”
― Cassandra Clare

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”
― Dave Barry

“I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?”
― Cassandra Clare

“Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”
― Steve Martin

“Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”
― Douglas Adams,

“People, generally, suck.”
― Christopher Moore,

“Humor is reason gone mad.”
― Groucho Marx