Quotes About Funny

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” 
― Billy Sunday,


“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.” 
― Cassandra Clare, 


“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” 
― Phyllis Diller


“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?” 
― Chris Rock


“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.” 
― Suzanne Collins,


“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” 
― Marilyn Monroe


“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.” 
― Lemony Snicket, 


“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” 
― Mark Twain


“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” 
― Albert Einstein


“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” 
― George Carlin


“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.” 
― John Green,


“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” 
― Cathy Guisewite


“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” 
― Winston Churchill


“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.” 
― John Green,


“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?” 
― Jerry Seinfeld


“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.” 
― Rodney Dangerfield


“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.” 
― Yogi Berra,


“It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit” 
― John Green,


“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.” 
― Golda Meir


“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby


“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.” 
― Jarod Kintz,


“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.” 
― Richelle Mead,


“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane” 
― Rachel Caine,


“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” 
― George Carlin


“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."
Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.” 
― Suzanne Collins,


“I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!” 
― Shel Silverstein


“Perv."
He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?” 
― Rachel Caine, 


“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.” 
― Gena Showalter,


“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” 
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.” 
― Cassandra Clare, 


“I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“Don't put your wand into your back pocket! Better wizards than you have lost buttocks from it!” 
― J.K. Rowling, 

“Do you want a cookie?
- What?
- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?
- No.
- How can you not want a cookie?
- I just don't.
- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?
- I'd eat a cookie?
- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.
- What are you saying?
- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.
- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a
cookie?
- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.
- And you don't think that's fair.
- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.
- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so
much.
- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,
you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you
said, it's not fair.
- So what are you going to do?
- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair
to ten-year-olds.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, 


“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time.” 
― Wendy Mass,


“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..” 
― Masashi Kishimoto,

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” 
― Rodney Dangerfield


“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.” 
― Robert Benchley


“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?” 
― Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts


“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it." 
"I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it." 
And then he took me to the bed.” 
― Richelle Mead, 


“aren't you, uh... reproducing?

"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.” 
― Cassandra Clare, 

“You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!” 
― Lauren Myracle,

“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”
― Charles M. Schulz


“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned” 
― Benjamin Franklin


“But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix


“Can I come in?
No! I'm in a towel!
I'm blind!” 
― James Patterson


“Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time." [...]
"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session." 
"Oh yeah?" I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then." 
"It's always a good a time to think about you naked," added someone nearby, breaking the tension further.” 
― Richelle Mead,

“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.” 
― Jarod Kintz,


“A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around." 
"Funny, I feel that way about you too." He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.” 
― Richelle Mead,


“If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.” 
― Charlaine Harris, 


“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?” 
― Jarod Kintz


“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.” 
― Jarod Kintz, I Want


“Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.” 
― Mae West


“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” 
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale


“I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.” 
― Jarod Kintz


“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.” 
― Rodney Dangerfield


“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.” 
― Jarod Kintz

“The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist” 
― Gena Showalter,


“Can you surf really well, then?"
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)” 
― Rick Riordan


“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” 
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti


“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” 
― Will Rogers


“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.” 
― Lauren Myracle


“Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!” 
― Lewis Carroll, 


“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.” 
― Cassandra Clare,


“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.” 
― Rick Riordan,


“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!” 
― Bill Watterson


“Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.” 
― Rachel Caine,


“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.” 
― Jarod Kintz


“If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.” 
― Jarod Kintz


“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.” 
― Jon Stewart


“Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. 
” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“You know what I like most about people? Pets.
” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 


“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?” 
― Jarod Kintz,


“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.
” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.” 
― Jarod Kintz,
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.” 
― Jarod Kintz

“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?” 
― Stephanie Lennox

“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.” 
― Rick Riordan, 
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.” 
― Isaac Asimov


“Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.” 
― Laurell K. Hamilton,

“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.” 
― Pseudonymous Bosch,

“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.” 
― Holly Black, 

“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.” 
― Laurie Halse Anderson, 

“That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.” 
― Cassandra Clare, 

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.” 
― Steven Wright


“Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."
Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"
Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.” 
― Orson Scott Card


“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.” 
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.” 
― Bill Watterson


“My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much." 
"Dick. That's not what you said last night."
"Bite me.” 
― Rachel Caine, 

“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.” 
― Rachel Vincent,

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” 
― Groucho Marx

“I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.” 
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me


“I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, 

“I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.” 
― Jarod Kintz,
“Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“Goodbyes, they often come in waves.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic. 
” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.
” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. No, I’ve been feeling like my clone.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it. 
” 
― Jarod Kintz

“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.” 
― John Green, 

“We were kissing.
I thought: This is good.
I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.
I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.
Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. "You slobbered on my nose," she said, and laughed” 
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
tags: funny 485 people liked it like

“I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time." What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, 
heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? 

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If 
you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? 

And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.” 
― William Shakespeare


“What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.” 
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale
tags: absurd, best, bizarre, competing, competition, competitor, funny, funny-quote, funny-quotes, gratification, gratifying, humor, improvement, inspirational, life, lose, loser, losing, satisfying, silly, truism, truth, win, winner, winning 459 people liked it like
“If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.” 
― David Cook


“But that quickly faded, and he frowned. "You're bleeding," he said. "What happened?"
Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. "Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else." Michael looked blank. "I'm a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?” 
― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley


“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.

This was not one of those times.” 
― John Green, 

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” 
― Groucho Marx


“Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.” 
― D.J. MacHale


“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.” 
― Dave Barry


“I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God forbid, a politician.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.” 
― Jarod Kintz,

“If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.” 
― Jarod Kintz, 

“I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.
” 
― Jarod Kintz