Thursday, 7 March 2013
Sunday, 3 February 2013
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The longer the title the less important the job.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
When in doubt, mumble.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The longer the title the less important the job.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
When in doubt, mumble.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
Friday, 9 November 2012
If your relationship status says, "It's complicated" maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single".
Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.
We met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson.
Don't let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you know you don't belong with.
Cuddling, snuggling, smiling, laughing, kissing: all the things I want to do when I think of you!
A boyfriend will put a lock on his phone. A REAL boyfriend will say, "Hey baby, can you read that text for me."
Being in a relationship is a full-time job. Don't apply if you're not ready.
It really makes me mad when guys cheat on beautiful girls for ones that look like they belong in the zoo.
That amazing feeling when your crush texts you first.
The nights I don’t dream about you, are the nights I stay up thinking of you.
If you cheat on someone that's willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself.
Don’t judge my choices without understanding my reasons.
I want a long, cute relationship where everyone is like "DAMN, they're still together?"
Lies don't ruin a relationship, the truth does.
Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.
Every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect is when things are bad, and you still want to be together.
Relationship Killers : Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions.
Every day, I think about texting you but then, I think "if you really wanted to talk to me, you'd text me first."
If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.
I cannot be good enough for everyone, but I always try to be the best for the one who deserves me.
LIKE if you type a long paragraph with your true feelings but then erasing it & typing "Yeah.."
Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.
Some days I think that I would be much happier if I were single...and all the other days I know it for sure.
No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship... my girlfriend lives in the future.
Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.
Tired of being single? Go sleep on the couch for a night and remember what it feels like to be in a relationship.
A relationship with no trust is like a cell phone with no service. All you can do is play games.
That awkward moment when the weirdest kid in school is in a relationship and you're still single.
Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.
The minute I use a smiley in a conversation, I'm either bored, awkward or in love:)
We all have that ONE person that we always have feelings for no matter what. Just one look, and it takes you right back to that moment.
❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ I'm in love with my computer. It's getting pretty serious.
That awkward moment when you see 9 year olds in a relationship, while you're still single.
Relationships these days, start & end on Facebook.
If your relationship has more issues then your magazine, you need to cancel that damn subscription..
My relationship status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
"Single" and "In a relationship" are just terms people use... Your heart determines your status...
Trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.
Single doesn't mean lonely. Single means you're preparing for the arrival of a BETTER love!!!
❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.
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